Talking To Your Children About the War & Terror
Kendall Johnson, Ph.D.

Stabilization begins at home, and it begins before emergency strikes. Every incident gains energy and meaning from its context, and the current backdrop of fear and uncertainty permeates our communities and our homes. This creates a fertile field for any sort of crisis-personal or community. The more children can talk about what they feel, the better they understand it. Few children can articulate concepts like "global terrorism," but they are usually more aware than we are when their parents are upset. Lectures on political instability and abstract threats will only confuse and frighten children. What they need to know is really much simpler: that their parents will protect them and be there to help. We begin the process of stabilization by opening channels of communication so that fears can be expressed and understood.

It's hard to know what to tell our children in times of uncertainty and tragedy. Somehow the old platitudes like "everything will be fine," and "it will all work out for the best" ring as hollow to us as they do to the children who watch our worried looks while we try to tell them things we don't believe. It is important to remember that even though easy answers are not possible, there is much we can say.

Talk about world events with your children. Others will whether you do or not, through the television, schools and friends. When you talk about it at home you are able to keep in touch with how your children are seeing things. This can be surprising sometimes, but it gives you the direction you need to help stabilize and reassure them. Just as every family is different, so is every conversation. While no adequate protocol exists for talking with our children in this new age of anxiety, there are a few helpful rules.

Rule #1: Start by listening, not telling.

You probably have lots of opinions about how things got this way, and lots of opinions about what can go wrong next. Rather than leading with your opinions however, begin by finding out what your children understand about the situation and how they think and feel about it. This conversation should be about their fears, anger, and concerns-and their sources of misunderstanding and confusion-not yours.

Rule #2: Stay where they are.

Understand their limits of understanding and communicating. Big words like globalization, multi-nationals, national security or preemptive war mean very little to children, or even younger adolescents. Break it down to their size. By listening you find out where their tires hit the road.

Rule #3: Listen behind the lines.

Behind the facts, concepts and ideas they have about things is a bottom line. It has to do with what they imagine might happen and their worries and fears for their well being. Gently seek it out. Look for the concern that is not spoken and help bring it to light.

Rule #4: Keep your own fears in check.

While children want to hear words of comfort, they look for warning signs. Kids are often smarter than we are. They know to look to actions first, words second. If you say "Everything is fine," and you are taking another drink, smoking a cigarette, yelling at your spouse and tapping your foot compulsively, your children see right through you. A constricted voice and shaking hands telegraph the real message. Further, we all need reassurance and our temptation is to give abstract answers to concrete questions. Don't make things worse by getting caught up in your own need to lecture.

Rule #5 Clarify the Confusion.

Figure out what your children are really asking. Look for misconceptions and misunderstandings that make it worse for them. Straighten out muddles, but be careful not to make it worse. Answer with what you know, ONLY IF you can put it in a way the child can understand.

Rule #6: Provide reassurance.

Remember the bottom line; children need to know that the parental protective shield is still up. Don't get caught up in media hype and political jargon. Stay focused on the present. Instead of talking about what could happen, spend comfortable time together. Let your children know that they are the central focus of your life by showing, not telling.