After the death - what happens now?

Children should be told what is going to happen and what they are going to experience. Questions like, "Should they be brought to the funeral home and/or service?" Definitely, if they are prepared in advance. Tell them what will happen, then give them a choice of going or not. Fit the following explanation around your family's plan and special traditions.

"_____ will be taken from _____, where he died, to the funeral home. At the funeral home _____ will be dressed in clothes that he liked and put into a casket. A casket is a box we use so that when ______ is buried, no dirt will get on him. Because ______'s body isn't working anymore, it won't move or do any of the things it used to do. But it will look like_____ always did.

People will come and visit us and say how sorry they are that ______ died. After _____ days the casket will be closed and taken to church, where people will say prayers for ______. Then we will go to the cemetery, where ______ will be buried in a place that ______ picked out.

If you like, you can come to the funeral home and visit for a while, even go to the cemetery. You could bring something to leave with _______ if you want, that would be nice.

We have to go to the funeral home to make plans, and we'll let you know all about them when we come back. We will be gone ______ hours."

For cremation, use this additional information:

"After we leave the funeral home, ________ will be taken to a crematory, a place where his body will be turned to ashes. Then we will take those ashes and ______ (scatter them, keep them in an urn). Since ______'s body doesn't work and doesn't feel anything, being cremated doesn't hurt."

If the dead person has changed because of illness or accident, it is important to describe some of this change. ("It is still Grandpa, but you know he was sick and lost a lot of weight - so he will look thinner.")

Describe the room in the funeral home where the person will be. Be very detailed and specific for younger children.

Details could include:

•  Color of rug
•  Color of walls
•  Whether there are plants and paintings
•  Where the casket will be
•  Color and type of casket (wood, metal)
•  Describe the clothing the person will be wearing

Explain that the person will be:

•  Lying down
•  Not moving
•  Whether the whole body will be visible or not

If you plan to have a closed casket, when possible I suggest the children be allowed to briefly look at the body so they'll realize that the person is, in fact, dead and in the casket. If the casket is going to be half open, children may think that only half of the person is there, show them that this is not so. You might say, "Some children think that only half of the person is there - so if you want, we can talk to the funeral director to open the bottom and show you his legs." When there is a full open casket, children will see the whole person and know that he or she is there.

Ask your child whether he or she wants to come to the service or not. Some children do, others don't. Remember that:

•  If the child is left out there is no next time, no going back.
•  The child remembers not being able to say goodbye, not being included, not being given the choice.
•  Telling a child what is happening and making him part of things, or asking him if he wants to be a part of things, draws him in. He makes the decision.

How Children May React

Children may:

•  Be very upset, picking up on the family's emotion.
•  Be upset about not knowing what is happening.
•  Not be upset at all, or be upset for a little while (they may think that the person will be dead only for a time, then come back).
•  Act out difficult behaviors.
•  Seek attention.
•  Sulk or withdraw.
•  Become angry or hostile.
•  Not want to believe that the person is dead.
•  Not want to go to the funeral, which would confirm the death.
•  Not want to talk about it.
•  Want to join the deceased (suicide).
•  Romanticize the death.

Anger

Anger is common at the time of the death, it can be very damaging to the family. Understanding it and anticipating it helps parents deal with both their own and their children's anger.

Children may be angry at their parents for: Anger is common at the time of the death, it can be very damaging to the family. Understanding it and anticipating it helps parents deal with both their own and their children's anger. Children may be angry at their parents for:

•  Not telling them that the person who died was very sick.
•  Spending a lot of time with the sick person.
•  Just because they need someone to be angry with.

Children may be angry at themselves for:

•  Not intervening earlier (not taking the car keys away before an accident, etc.)
•  Wishing the person would die.
•  Not visiting or helping the dying person.
•  Not saying goodbye, or "I love you".

Children may be angry at others for:

•  Not taking care of the person who died (the bartender for serving him drinks, the doctors for not treating them adequately).
•  Hurting or killing the person (in the case of an accident or homicide).

Children may be mad at the person who died for:

•  Not taking care of himself or putting himself in danger.
•  Leaving, dying, abandoning them.
•  Causing family upset.
•  Using up the family money.
•  Not telling anyone he was sick.
•  Committing suicide (causing family pain and stigma).
•  Not fighting harder against death.

Children may be angry at their brothers and sisters for:

•  No apparent reason.
•  Grieving differently (some children cry, others don't).
•  Not seeming to care.
•  Not wanting to talk about death.
•  Seeming more privileged (others can go to the funeral, but they can't).

Guilt

Many people feel guilt about death. This might stem from anger:

•  How can I be angry at the person who died?
•  How can I be alive when he's dead?

From the felling that you didn't do enough:

•  I should have told the rest of the family that he was sick.
•  I should have visited him before he died.

And from all the "I shouldn't have ...":

•  I shouldn't have left the hospital.
•  I shouldn't have let him drive.
•  I shouldn't have left him alone (suicide).

Responsibility

Guilt and a feeling of responsibility go hand-in-hand. Children can feel responsible for a person's death for a number of reasons:

They may have been told something that they misunderstood and took to heart ("you're driving me crazy", "You'll be the death of me yet", "you're killing your father").

Because the often see God as a punisher and rewarder, they may feel God has punished their bad behavior by causing this person's death, also they may feel if they had prayed harder the person would have lived.

They connect events that don't belong together ("If I had sent a "get well" card he wouldn't have died").

They indulge in magical thinking ("If I wish hard enough, he'll come back", I got mad and wished he would die").

That is why it is so important that children understand why the person died. Remember, your child may think he is responsible for the death, and tell him that this is not so.

In the case of actual responsibility for a death, parents cannot make a child believe what he or she knows to be false, parents of children directly responsible for the death of another should strongly consider professional help

From: "How Do We Tell the Children," By Daniel J. Schaefer