Death of a Brother or Sister

The death of a brother or a sister is a crisis for children and it is a crisis for adult siblings. Yet, they are often neglected grievers because so much focus is placed on the parents of a small child or the remaining spouse and children of an adult sibling. Young siblings are vulnerable to emotional problems following trauma. Interestingly though, many children seem to cope with it better than adults.

Much of what we understand about adult grieving is also true for children: A sudden violent death requires different coping skills than an anticipated non-violent death. If a child has emotional difficulties before the death of a sibling, and/or if the family suffers marital discord, the child may be more vulnerable to long-term effects of the trauma.

If a child's brother or sister is killed at a time when their relationship was troubled, as in sibling rivalry, the death may be more difficult to handle.

If a child has emotional support from the parents or major caretaker following the death, and expression of feelings is encouraged, the child will probably adjust satisfactorily.

If you are a parent whose child has been killed, you may find that too many people need you. You may find yourself comforting your mate, relatives, or friends because they can't come to grips with what has happened to your family. At some point, their needs can overwhelm you, and you must withdraw to survive.

As your surviving children are experiencing the trauma, you may be tempted to put them on a plane or bus and send them off to be with someone else who loves them. You wish you could help them escape the pain, and you feel guilty because you can't comfort them. Simply "hanging on" yourself may be your top priority or the only task that you can handle.

It is best for families to grieve together. A young child should not witness the total collapse of a parent, but tears which overflow out of sadness for what has happened, are to be shared.

It is impossible to go through life without hurting. It would be wonderful if we could promise our children life without pain. We can't. Grieving together will teach your child that ugly and unfair things happen, and that we can survive them.

Young children don't just look to their parents as models. They usually believe, at least until they reach adolescence, that parents are all powerful and all knowing. They will trust you more than ever if you are honest with your feelings and if you do not tell them half-truths about the killing of your child. A child who watches a lot of television or sees a lot of movies may have warped ideas about death. Honest communication can result in valuable lessons for your child.

Like adults, children differ in the way they react to death. Their age, their ethnic customs, their religious beliefs, the relationship they had with their brother or sister who was killed, will all make a difference. The most important component is how you, the parent, relate to them in the aftermath of the killing.

Children are not miniature adults. Children have their own distinct way of understanding things, depending on how old they are. Young children differ from adults in that they can endure strong feelings for only a short period of time. As an adult, you may feel that your grief goes on and on. A few years from now you will look back and see that you are better than you were before, but now it may seem that the pain is constant. A child, on the other hand, grieves deeply for awhile and then seems to be content and carefree. Maybe tomorrow, he will misbehave or show a violent outburst of anger, while later that evening he will want to play games.

Children grieve on an intermittent basis for years after the death of their brother or sister. As they move through their developmental stages, they will understand death in a new way and grieve all over again according to their new understanding or level of maturity. Developmental levels vary greatly in children, as do their environments. Therefore, a child's specific age is not always a clear indicator of how she will grieve. The age ranges below should be interpreted very liberally.

Infants and Toddlers

Before the age of three months or so, a baby may be as content with their caretakers as he is with his mother, unless the mother is nursing. He has little, if any, memory of family members when they are out of sight. If a constant caretaker continues to nurture and care for him, he will have minimal reaction to a loss in the family. As the infant grows, he usually develops anxiety when around strangers, a sign that he is bonded to his mother or major caretaker. From that age on, a child who loses a parent will grieve. He clearly knows the parent he depends on to feed, clothe, bathe, talk to, and play with him. His grieving the loss of a parent may look like a diffused sense of distress with whimpering, loss of appetite, loss of speech if he has learned to talk, and finally, quiet resignation. A toddler is not likely, however, to deeply grieve the loss of a brother or a sister unless the sibling had assumed a major care-taking role.

A toddler will pick up on the feelings expressed in the home. That is why calm nurturing is important. Explanations about death won't have meaning for him. What the people who love him do is more important than what they say. Holding, cuddling and stroking are ways of assuring him that he is cared for. They are more important than words.

Ages Four Through Six

A child in this age range is still unable to understand what death is or that it is permanent. It is likely, though, that he or she has discovered dead birds in the yard or has seen something dead, which was simply picked up and discarded. A young child may respond to the death of a sibling, therefore, in a matter-of-fact manner. He may speak of the death of his sibling almost as he would the death of a pet. He may be aware that something bad has happened, but not that it is devastating. This can be terribly upsetting to parents who don't understand that for his level of understanding, he is responding normally.

The death of a brother or sister is best explained to a young child in physical terms because his thinking is very concrete. "Your brother was in his car when another car crashed into it. It hit so hard that his body got crushed inside the car. It was broken so badly that his heart stopped working and no one could get it to start up again. So, your brother doesn't breathe anymore. He can't talk or move anymore. He doesn't have feelings. He can't feel hot or cold, or wet or dry. He can't feel happy or sad. His body doesn't feel anything anymore, so we will bury his body in the ground (or whatever your family's choice is for the final resting place of the body)."

A child at this age will have difficulty understanding the concept of soul or spirit. If you believe in a spiritual afterlife, it is still important to explain to your child that his brother or sister's body will be buried or cremated. You might explain that the part that now lives in Heaven is the part that was able to love and have feelings. If your child is told that his brother or sister has "gone to Heaven and is now happy with God," but the family is extremely upset, and the child later learns that his sibling is at the funeral home or the cemetery, he will not only be confused, but he will feel betrayed.

Your child aged four through six has a sense of right and wrong, not so much because of an inner sense of morality, but because he has been praised for doing for "good" things and punished for doing "bad" things. He still clings to many mystical beliefs based on fairy tales he hears and television shows he watches. Therefore, it is quite easy for him to believe that his brother or sister was killed because he did something bad. If he has wished his siblings would go away, as all brothers and sisters sometimes do, he may be convinced his wishing made it so. Most children have death wishes. Your family has been invaded by death. Your child may assume, therefore, that it's his fault. It is extremely important for your child to know that the death of his brother or sister was not his fault. Explaining death in concrete, physical terms will be helpful to him.

Because your child is still limited in vocabulary, especially when it comes to describing feelings, he is likely to try to master his loss through play. You can be very supportive to your child if you pay attention to his play whether it be re-enacting the killing, playing funeral, or playing "house". Asking questions such as, "Why is little brother crying?" can help your child begin to verbalize what he feels.

It would not be unusual for your child at this age to develop eating or sleeping problems. As a matter of fact, you can almost expect sleeping problems if your child has heard that his brother or sister "died in their sleep" or that dying is just like "going to sleep." Bowel or bladder problems can also return and are fairly common symptoms of emotional stress. If the problems are intense or last so long that you feel they are interfering with your child's health, a doctor should be consulted.

Age Seven through Eleven

Somewhere in this age range, your child will come to the understanding that death is final and that everyone eventually dies. This awareness can be traumatic for the child because he is still so dependent on his family that he can't imagine surviving without them. He may realize that he, too, will die. This new awareness is frightening for any child. But when his brother or sister, who is likely near his own age, has been killed, he must face death immediately. He also now realizes that it is not just old people who die.

For children this age, death is seen as an attacker who intrudes and takes life. Your child may be very fearful that he, too, will be killed. It is a realistic fear, based on what has happened. It would not be unusual for your child to develop fears or phobias about anything related to death. He may complain of physical aliments, withdraw, and become excessively careful and cautious. Children in this age range are more likely than other children to exhibit behavior problems following the death of a sibling. This may be especially true if they are the only remaining child in the family.

If your child is in this age range, he has had more years to experience sibling rivalry, more memories of fights with his brother or sister, and more death wishes. Even more than when he was younger, he may feel that he was responsible for the killing of his brother or sister. He is not intellectually mature enough to persuade himself of his innocence, so he will need help in correctly assessing blame.

The child in this age range now has an expansive vocabulary and can think abstractly enough to openly express his pain, fears, anger and guilt. He is not only sensitive to his own feelings, but he can also enter into the feelings of others. He is able to empathize. He not only needs comfort and support, he can be a source of comfort and support to others. Doing so will make him feel better. He must never be led to believe, though, that he is responsible for making the family feel better. He is not a parent. He is still a child.

It is important that your child participate fully in the family's grieving. He should be told the truth. If he has never attended a funeral before, he should be told ahead of time exactly what to expect. He should share in decisions about the funeral and in grieving rituals during the months and years following. He should be encouraged to be open with his grieving. And you should not hide your grieving from him.

A word of caution is called for regarding this age range. Because your child can comprehend something of the depths of your despair, he may attempt, in some way, to replace his brother or sister who has been killed as a means of helping you cope. You must tell him clearly that no one can replace your child who has been killed. You must help your surviving child to understand that his place in your heart can be filled no other.

Another word of caution has to do with putting the child who was killed on a pedestal. It is important for you to remember your child who was killed as realistically as possible. Because of guilt concerning the bad times, it is easy to push those times out of consciousness and recall your child as nearly perfect. This can be devastating for siblings. To them, it appears that you love them less and that they can never measure up to what they witness you expressing about your dead child. This can cause them to withdraw now or later on when they reach adolescence.

A child in this age range may have difficulty in school. Grieving children are confused and have difficulty concentrating. If the school problems continue for months, this may be a sign of deeper underlying stress which may need professional attention.

Adolescent Siblings

The developmental goal of adolescence is to "leave home"- to begin to leave emotionally, and eventually to leave physically. In the process of preparing to separate, your child becomes less family oriented and more peer oriented. He finds out who he is and what he believes by venturing out into unknown territory.

He is basically insecure and may be somewhat self-centered in order to compensate. He is suffering a lot of losses as he moves through adolescence-the loss of security of having mother and father making decisions for him, the loss of innocence, and the loss of protection by his family.

Because your adolescent is shaky and insecure, the sudden death of a brother or sister is something he definitely does not want to face. He knows he must, but he may frantically try to escape it. He faces several dilemmas. He is mature enough to understand life like an adult. On the other hand, he is more vulnerable than adults because he is experiencing so many other losses and changes.

A teenager has the capacity for empathy, but because he is basically self-centered-as he has to be in order to become "his own person"- he may feel that no one has ever felt the deep and powerful things that he is now experiencing. Indeed, most adolescents have not experienced anything as devastating as the killing of a brother or a sister. While a teen needs to lean on his parents for support, he may be reluctant to let those deep emotions show because he is afraid he will seem child-like again.

The adolescent may be coping with the same struggles as the younger child-guilt over sibling rivalry, especially if he recently had open conflict with the brother or sister who was killed. He may feel he should take care of parents who are devastated, or even try to take the place of the dead sibling. As a bereaved parent you may be inclined to turn to your surviving adolescent child for emotional support. Such an expectation, if constant, can be overwhelming. The adolescent then will tend to pull away from his family and gravitate to more intimacy with his peers, thus harming the growing up process.

An additional source of stress for the surviving adolescent sibling is over-protectiveness on the part of the parent. It is almost impossible for a parent whose child has been killed not to have great anxiety when another adolescent is out with friends on his own. Such over-protectiveness can feel stifling and smothering to an adolescent.

All of the pressures coming together for the surviving adolescent can cause him to become self-destructive and engage in alcohol or other drug abuse, running away from home, or taking risks such as playing "chicken" in an automobile. Flirting with death, so to speak, can be a way of trying to gain control of it. It can also be an escape. Moving fast, keeping the music loud, and forfeiting reality by using drugs are choices he can make to escape the pain.

As parents of an adolescent who has lost a brother or sister, try to be honest and provide emotional support, but don't be surprised if he needs to escape. Doing so, to some degree, is part of normal adolescent development. It becomes even more understandable when the home is filled with so much pain and he is frightened by his own feelings.

Your adolescent may talk more to his friends about his brother or sister's death than he does to you. He may respond better to another adult who is willing to listen because he does not have to worry about his pain hurting that person as much as it hurts you. You should not be discouraged if he reaches out to someone other than you. That is normal for his stage of development.

Adult Siblings

Most people misunderstand how deeply adult siblings grieve. If your sibling was older than you, you have shared life with him or her as long as you have had your parents. Even if your sibling was younger, you may not remember life without him or her.

When your sibling was killed you not only lost a unique loved one, but you lost that person's role within the family. If your sibling was the person who organized the family parties, someone else must now take on that role. If your brother was the peacemaker during family quarrels, someone else must now take on that responsibility. It is normal that you and other siblings will try to "fill in" some of these roles. Some changes may take place quite naturally and easily while others may feel awkward and cause a great deal of conflict within the family.

Part of your role within the family may be related to birth order. If your oldest sibling was killed, you may have lost a caregiver or someone you've always looked up to. If the "baby" of the family was killed, you may have lost the one you protected the most. If the age difference was great enough between you and the brother or sister who was killed, you may feel almost as though you have lost a parent or a child.

When a brother or sister dies, you also experience a gap in birth order. If the oldest sibling was killed, the second oldest is now the oldest. If there were just two of you, you are now an only child.

If the sibling killed was your twin or part of a multiple birth, you probably feel that part of yourself died too. You will need to work hard at rational thinking to prevent you from concluding that the wrong one died.

Many bereaved siblings find it difficult to answer social questions. When someone casually asks, "How many brothers and sisters do you have?" or, "How many are their in your family?" you may feel unable to respond. There is no "right" way to answer these questions and you may answer differently from time to time depending on how you feel and the setting in which you find yourself. Assuming you had three brothers and one was killed, you may want to say, "I have three brothers; two are living, one was killed." You may want to say, "I have three brothers," and leave it at that. Or, you may want to say, "I have two brothers." You have the right to answer these questions in any way you feel comfortable.

For some bereaved siblings, the fact that their sibling's death has altered their relationship with their parents is deeply painful. Chances are, under the stress of coping with the death of their child, your parents will react to you in some ways as though you were still a small child. They are struggling with the senselessness and the unnaturalness of being predeceased by one of their children.

You may find your parents are trying to comfort you at the expense of themselves, or are trying to protect you from the reality of death. They may be terrified that another family member may be killed and go to great lengths to monitor your activities. If this behavior is creating a barrier within the family, you may need to talk to your parents and offer them some concrete ways that they can be supportive of you. In turn, invite them to tell you what you could do to comfort them the most. In times of crisis it is very easy to fall into old parent/child habits, but it doesn't have to be that way. They will need to give a little, but so will you.

You may find yourself falling into old patterns of behavior in effort to protect your parents. You may feel they hurt enough without having to watch you grieve. You may go to great lengths to hide your pain from them. It may seem right for you to make decisions for your parents or take on parental responsibilities in effort to care for them. You may end up "parenting your parents." Usually, though, adult children and parents care for one another because it gives them something to do with their grief. Ask if your parents feel you are over-protecting or smothering them. Respect their response and accommodate as best you can.

In some ways you may feel as though, in addition to the loss of your sibling, you've lost your parents. Your parents may always have been strong, there for you in times of crisis. Even if you aren't very close to your parents, it can be incredibly painful to become aware of their vulnerability and weakness. This may be the first time you've turned to your parents for support and they can't solve the problem and make it better for you. You may need to grieve the loss of your parents who were always strong, always in control, never vulnerable.

Ultimately, you will likely forge a new relationship with your parents. Talk with them about what you observe and ask them to share with you how they see you differently. Tell them you want to use these new understandings to build a new, more mature, relationship with them.

Like watching the broadening pattern a rock makes when it is tossed into the lake, you may experience other losses connected with your sibling's death. If your brother or sister had married, your family may lose contact with the husband or wife and children, if there were any. If you want to stay close with them, you may have to be direct about your desires and take responsibility for staying in touch. Eventually most widows and widowers remarry, which can be extremely painful to the family of the dead husband or wife. Remember, if you can, that no one else will replace your brother or sister and remarrying isn't an act of disloyalty. A new spouse will probably be very uncertain about his or her relationship with your family, and will welcome some clarification from you.

If your sibling had children, they will likely be precious reminders of your brother or sister. Discovering traits and physical features in nieces and nephews that are similar to those of your brother or sister is both joyous and painful. Similarly, the special moments in their lives-graduations, marriages, the births of their children-will be bittersweet as they will always highlight your sibling's absence from these events. Children, especially those who were small when their parent was killed, will want to learn about that parent from you and others. Maintaining a relationship with nieces and nephews is one way some bereaved siblings honor the memory of their brother or sister.

If you are married, your own spouse may feel like one of the forgotten victims. Your spouse may have had a very special relationship with your sister or brother yet doesn't have the same official ties with your family. Don't forget to include your spouse and the spouses of other brothers and sisters in family events following the death of your sibling. They have also lost the person you were before your brother or sister was killed. While their grief may be different, it needs to be recognized and accepted just as is yours.

Summary of Suggestions

Be careful about explaining death in half-truths to younger children who need honest, concrete explanations of what has happened. If the child hears, "Your sister has gone away for a very long time," he may feel that his sister has deserted him. He may then go on to interpret the desertion as punishment and have strong feelings of guilt. "Your brother has gone to heaven," is in itself impossible for a young child to understand, especially when he learns that the body is buried in a cemetery. "To die is to go to sleep," can be understood by the child as a very real reason for a child refusing to go to sleep. "Your sister went to the hospital and died," can cause a young child to conclude that hospitals make people die. "Your brother died because he got sick," may cause a child to become extremely fearful of any kind of illness.

Spend time in play with the younger child who may not have adequate communication skills to talk about his feelings.

Help your child express his feelings by being willing to express yours, and asking your child questions. If he is reluctant, phrase questions as if they were someone else's, "What would you say to Jimmy if he asked you what happened to your brother?"

Remember that most children grieve intermittently rather than chronically. Therefore, do not be upset because your child has periods when the death of his brother or sister seems unimportant.

Children may find it easier than parents to discard personal possessions of the deceased. They may also find it easier to "put their grief aside" and find normalcy in school or play. Remember that your deceased child's friends may be pleased to be given something that belonged to your child.

Protect young children from witnessing an emotional collapse, but otherwise share as much as the grieving as possible.

During the early days of grieving it is helpful for grieving children to have a personal "ally" to provide stability and understanding. This person calms the anxious child and relieves the parents of total responsibility.

Siblings aged six or seven or older should be given all the facts about their brother's or sister's death as they become known. Not being told the truth only enhances a growing sense of being unimportant to the family.

If you see another child who reminds you of your child who has been killed, point this out to the siblings and explain the grief spasm it has caused. Mysterious behavior on the part of the parent only enhances the sibling's fear of being left out or of not being loved as much as the deceased child.

Share your grief with your surviving children, but do not depend on them to take care of you in your grieving. Understand that adolescent children may not want to grieve with you.

Talk with your surviving brothers and sisters both about pleasant memories of the child who was killed as well as unpleasant memories. This will help them to understand that the child who died was not perfect. Placing the dead child on a pedestal can cause great insecurity for surviving siblings.

Don't ask surviving sibling's to "be strong" for you or for anyone else. That is too great a burden to carry.

Try not to feel threatened if adolescent siblings seek out other adults or peers for support. That is normal for their developmental level.

As an adult sibling, spend some time focusing on the role of your brother or sister in the family and how you can enable a meaningful transition to the surviving family. Be gentle with yourself and with your parents.

Lord, Janice Harris. No Time for Goodbyes, Pathfinders Publishing, 458 Dorothy Ave. Ventura, CA 9411