Death of a Daughter or Son

If you are a parent, you probably have spent much of your time thinking about how you would protect your children, nurture them into adulthood, and then "let go."

When parenting is successful, you expect your children to continue to love you as they become adults. You do not expect them to remain dependent on you. In fact, as you become older, you may depend on them to care for you. And in time, you expect to die and be survived by your children. When your child dies, every one of those expectations is aborted.

The way you nurture a child is different from the way you care for a mate, parents, or friends. When your child is very young, he is totally dependent on you. One amazing thing about human nature is that nurturing a baby, a toddler, or a young child is almost as fulfilling for the parent as it is for the child. That is true, however, only if the parent is emotionally healthy. Emotionally inadequate parents sometimes abuse or neglect their children.

If you are a healthy parent, you are so bonded to your young child that comforting him and keeping him content also makes you comfortable and content. The emptiness that remains when you no longer have your child to nurture can be so painful that some have referred to it as chronic ache.

As children grow older, they develop a sense of themselves that is separate from their parents. This separating from the parents prompts the new role of disciplining the child. This is a normal part of child development. Parents may feel an increasing need to protect their child as they see him or her grow up.

All children make mistakes. It is hard for a parent to decide when to step in and protect the child, and when to let the child learn by experiencing the consequences of his mistake.

Parents are strongly driven, however, to protect their child from serious harm no matter how old their child is. Most parents say that if they had the choice they would rather die than to have their child seriously hurt or killed.

A difficult of grieving for parents whose child has been killed is the fact that they were not able to protect their child. They may feel extremely angry at themselves for not preventing the tragedy. They may feel guilty, as if the child's death was their fault, even if they know it wasn't.

Coping with the death of an older child is different from coping with the death of a young child. Parents may love them no more nor less, but their life experiences with them is different. As children become older, they take more risks, check out more unknown territory, and try to solve their own problems. All of that is a very normal part of adolescent development. These phrases will probably have a familiar ring to the parents of teenagers.

"I've got to be me!"

"You have got to let me grow up!"

"Get off my back. Weren't you ever a teenager?"

You may recall your child stomping out of the room or slamming doors. Parents are usually resistant to these kinds of words and behaviors. That, too, is normal. While the push and pull of raising a teenager is not always pleasant, it is a sign that the teen is looking for and finding his own values. That is good.

When an older child is killed, parents may have a very difficult time realizing that they were doing the right thing by allowing their child to take risks. If you chose to allow your child some freedom, and it resulted in your child's death, it will not help to place all the blame on yourself. You probably made the best decision you knew how to make at that time.

Another component of grieving, if your child has been killed, has to do with your investment which has now come to naught. You invested heavily in your child emotionally. Even if you faced difficult days with your child, you developed dreams for his future. As your child grew older, you noted special talents and interests. Your child may have spent time talking with you about what she wanted to be or do upon growing up.

You probably invested financially in those dreams. You purchased insurance policies to ensure that your child would have enough money when you die. You may have paid for braces, music lessons. You may have encouraged you child to develop skills in sports or other physical activities. You may have bought calculators or computers to help your child to achieve. You may have borrowed money or set aside funds to help your child through college.

Parents would gladly pay it all again, and a thousand times over, if they could have their child back. But that isn't possible. It may help, however, to understand that your financial investment were symbolic of your motional investment. It may help you understand why a child's death seems so deeply wrong.

Having a child killed is not only to lose someone you feel driven to nurture and protect, but it is also to lose hopes and dreams for the future.

Mother and Father as Mates

The killing of a child can have a tremendous impact on the marriage of the parents. Some couples find that tragedy draws them closer together. This can happen when they communicate openly and support each other each other as first one, and then the other, has bad days. IT is not uncommon, however, for the marital relationship to break down in the aftermath of a tragedy so great as the killing of their child.

It is very difficult to support and nurture your mate when your own grief is overwhelming. When experiencing trauma, most people regress to a childlike state. They feel vulnerable and need to be "taken care of." If both mates are in the same condition, and neither has the strength to care for the other, feelings of alienation will emerge.

Because your drive to nurture and protect has been violently interrupted, you will probably have a strong need to assess blame. As previously discussed, many parents blame themselves and feel guilty. It is also tempting to blame your mate.

If a child has a terminal illness, it is usually no one's fault. Parents can become very angry that science has not found a cure or the treatment was not successful. But, when they are able to care for their child as he is dying, they can know that they did everything that they could.

When a child is killed, someone was at fault. If the cause of the killing was not explicitly clear, parents may engage in a relentless search for the causes. They can usually find a way to blame the other parent, at least in part.

Blaming will intensify the impact of the trauma. It can be a major factor in the breakup of marriage following the death of a child. It may also lead to the premature death of some parents within three to five years after the death of their child.

Another component of stress between mates is the fact that rarely do two people move through grieving in the same way.

As a father, you may choose to grieve privately. You may be angry, deeply resenting the loss of control you feel when you think about your child's death.

As a mother, you may be more open with your grief. You want to talk about it, cry with someone who understands. You may be more sorrowful and wonder how your mate has the energy to be so angry. On another day, these roles may be reversed.

One of you may cry at the mention or even the thought of the child who has been killed, while the other may function well enough to return to work. One may read books to better understand what is happening while the other refuses to face it. One may want to go to a support group of fellow sufferers while the other feels repulsed at the mention of it. It is very difficult to understand and accept each other's grieving when they are so different.

A very practical side of these differences is seen when it comes to deciding what to do with the child's "things." One may be eager to dismantle and discard the child's clothing and mementos. The other may believe that to do so would deny the existence of the child. Trying to find a happy medium for these polarities may be difficult.

Many couples are distressed to learn that jealous and envy rear their ugly heads during grieving.

If you are depressed and apathetic, and are at home, you may envy your mate who is at work because you fantasize that he or she can be happy there with the many distractions that a job entails. If you are the one working, you may envy the mate at home who can face the grief and not have to "hold up to get the job done."

A father may envy the mother who says she feels a closeness to the child that the father can't because she carried the child in her body for nine months and birthed it.

Mates have unrealistic expectations of each other regarding work load and maintenance of the home. Sloppy housekeeping or failure to mow the lawn may infuriate a mate who is depending on the other to stay on top of things. Many couples say it takes months before they have enough energy to do more than what simply has to be done.

Sexuality can become a diverse issue during bereavement. Your mate may face an increased need for sex as nurture, escape, or release, while you are repulsed at the thought of it. Avoidance of sex can stem from fear of having and losing other children. It can be rooted in guilt over experiencing pleasure when something so awful has happened. Or it can manifest as a classic symptom of depression.

If your barriers to feelings are let down in order to experience the closeness of sexual intimacy, then the flood gate is also opened to pain and grief. Since sexual intimacy and orgasm can put you in touch with feelings at a deep level, you may avoid it for fear of tapping into uncontrollably painful emotional release. This can be complicated by the fact that your mate may have mannerisms or physical attributes similar to that of the dead child. To be reminded so potently of the child's death when approaching sexual intimacy can be devastating.

Any of these problems can cause you or your mate to back away from sexual contact. Then the avoidance, if not talked about, can be perceived as additional rejection. For example, your mate may perceive you as unresponsive and totally wrapped up in your own grief when you say you are not interested in sex. Your mate may then perceive you as insensitive. In fact, both of you are hurting and are trying to minimize your own unique pain.

Unfortunately, your mate is the easiest target for venting all types of frustrations. You spend many hours together. Your defenses are down more at home than anywhere else. It is important for you to understand that these problems nearly always arise. You will be fortunate if they don't.

But if they do, try to understand that they are normal consequences of having your child killed suddenly and violently. You don't feel normal. But you are normal in the sense that pain and struggle following major surgery are normal. A very significant part of your life has been cut out. The process of getting better requires time and patience and hard work.

An oft-quoted myth is that 80% to 90% of marriages fail when a child dies. Studies reaching this conclusion failed to take normal divorce rates into account and were based on couples already in marital counseling. We know now that when divorce does follow the death of the child, it is usually the result of problems that existed before the death. Perhaps the marital problems no longer seemed reconcilable after the death of the child. Some of the positive aspects of living through trauma-reordered priorities, a sense of endurance, and new-found assertiveness- may contribute to the decision to go ahead and divorce. But, in fact, most marriages do survive the death of child.

How Long Will It Take?

You are no longer the same person you were before your child was killed. To expect that you will ever be exactly the same is to place an unrealistic burden on yourself.

It is also impossible to place a timetable on your grieving. Remember that many factors play into it and, therefore, you will develop your own timetable.

Some begin to feel better as they are able to make sense of what happened by learning all the facts. Some begin to feel better after the court case has been disposed of.

Many people say that the second year is harder than the first. Most feel noticeably better by the third or fourth year, although some say the third year is harder that the second. Research shows that most survivors feel significantly better by the fourth year.

There will always be good days and bad days. But the pain will decrease as time goes on. You will one day be surprised to learn that you can be sad without becoming engulfed in grief. You will find it possible to be happy, if only for a short period of time. Having friends and family who love you and accept you as you are is a blessing. They may be more important than anyone else in helping you get better.

You may want to keep a journal or diary. They are a good way to see you progress. You may be surprised to learn that what you wrote today shows marked improvement over what you wrote three years ago. It is hard to say when healing starts, but when looking back, it is easier to see.

Suggestions

Remember that your family is not a "bad family" or your marriage a "bad marriage" because difficult problems arise. It would be unusual if they did not because recovery from the death of a child is one of the most difficult tasks any family can undertake.

Try to understand that it is rare for any two people to grieve the same way. Pay attention to your own grieving needs and do what feels right for you. Likewise, try to respect the needs of others that live in your household.

Try to keep talking with your mate and with surviving children about how you feel. Attempting to hide your feelings from your family is like covering cancer with a Band-Aid. The pain always comes through. You will all be healthier if the pain is out in the open. It is good for you to cry together.

If your family is unable or unwilling to support you in your grieving, look for a support group of people who understand. Consider the organizations that have been formed to help grieving parents, such as Mothers Against Drunk Driving, Parents of Murdered Children, Victims for Victims and Compassionate Friends. Look for a counselor, chaplain, minister, or rabbi with skills in helping people who are experiencing grief following trauma.

Collect as much information as possible about how your child was killed. This information can be obtained from police reports, from autopsy reports, and by talking to witnesses. It is important to collect this data for two reasons: your mind will rest better if you can "make sense" of the experience; and, through collecting data, blame and responsibility can be placed appropriately.

When disagreements and misunderstandings occur in your family, try not to vent anger by yelling, or screaming, or verbally attacking. Own your anger, but try not to target someone else in your family. Say, "I love you" every time you feel a hint of love. These words will be cherished.

If sexual needs differ between you and your mate, talk about it and try to reach a reasonable compromise. Hugs and tenderly holding each other can be lifesavers, even when more explicit sexuality may not be possible.

Consider keeping a journal or a diary. It can be helpful not only in giving you a way to release your feelings, but also in helping you measure your recovery.

Remember that allowing yourself to feel better does not mean that you are forgetting or being disloyal to your child. It means continuing to grieve but becoming less overwhelmed by it. It means that you believe that life, as it goes on, matters. For your own sake and for others who need and love you, you have a responsibility to try to feel better.

Have patience. Realize that the traditional "one year of grief" is not enough. Only a combination of time and hard work will lead to resolution of the pain and you will never be totally free of it. How hard you work at it and how long it takes is up to you.

Lord, Janice Harris. No Time for Goodbyes, Pathfinders Publishing, 458 Dorothy Ave. Ventura, CA 9411