Mate, Lover

The killing of a husband, wife or lover is among the most stressful of losses. No matter what your age, you are not ready to be suddenly abandoned by the person you depended on the most.

Many books are on the market which address the death of a spouse, so in this chapter we will focus primarily on aspects which relate to sudden death.

Roles and Responsibilities

Your mate probably fulfilled many roles in your household and in your life. Your mate was co-manager of your home and co-parent of your children. Together you decided how to spend money, what kind of jobs to have, how to discipline children, and where and when to entertain yourselves. Your mate may have been your best friend.

If you and your mate shared most of these roles, you may now feel overwhelmed with assuming all of them yourself.

In some relationships, couples choose to separate responsibilities rather than share them. For example, one partner may pay all the bills, the car and yard, decide on major purchases, and do the financial record keeping for the family. The other may be responsible for in-home maintenance, child care and for planning entertainment. The sudden loss of one of he partners, in this kind of relationship, can cause feelings of helplessness and vulnerability that make coping extremely difficult. The surviving partner must suddenly assume new roles which seem awkward and frustrating. To be forced to learn a number of roles in the midst of grieving is a monumental task.

You may never have operated a clothes washer or dryer. You may never have planned a weekly menu and shopping list. You may not know how to cook. You may be totally ignorant about automobile maintenance. You may not know how to make repairs around the house. You may have no idea what records should be kept for income tax purposes. You may not understand about certain bank accounts, annuities, investments, and other financial matters for which you are now responsible.

Frustrations such as these are exaggerated if you, as the surviving partner, also now have sole responsibility for children, each of whom, like you, feels abandoned and is grieving in his or her own way.

In addition to all this, the issue of income rears its ugly head. If you mate who was killed provided all or part of the household income, you may face complete change in living style. See Chapter XI of this book for suggestions in coping with financial matters. These will help you through the first months. But, in terms of long range planning, you may eventually need to make major changes in order to be responsible and survive financially.

You can expect changes in the way you are perceived by your friends. If you and your mate shared social relationships with other couples, you may find that you no longer "fit" in the group. Being with them can make you feel terribly alone. You may now feel uncomfortable relating to others people's mates for fear they might become jealous if they sense you are potential competition. If many relationships were centered around your mate's employment or circle of friends, you may no longer feel you belong.

Finally, one of the most difficult aspects of the death of a mate is the absence of physical intimacy. Sexual interest may wane as you grieve, but most people continue to need touching and holding. These yearnings will probably go unsatisfied until another relationship can be established. Your interest in a new relationship may be the last thing on your mind for some time. But this can change depending on your age and the quality of the previous relationship.

Dependence/Independence

To enhance the healing process, it is important to understand dependency/independence issues as you try to endure the death of your mate. It is usual for two people living together to be emotionally dependent on each other. The degree of dependence you placed on your mate may have a lot to do with how quickly you feel better.

Some couples are so dependent that each one feels only half of a whole. With the other half gone, they have difficulty imagining that they could ever function alone.

Some couples share responsibilities but experience themselves as two independent individuals who rarely "need" each other to feel good about themselves.

Other couples feel primarily independent but realize that each has various aspects of life in which one depends on the other. They experience both dependence and independence.

Mates with the same degree of independence will probably cope with the death better than those who are excessively dependent. If you were in a very emotionally dependent relationship, you will have the task, eventually of learning how to be a more independent person, give up your image as a "partner-less half" and enhance your sense of individuality.

If you successfully moved away from your parents and achieved a sense of independence and autonomy before entering a relationship with a mate or a partner, this process may be one of re-discovery. On the other hand, if you were originally dependent on your mate, the process may be very new for you.

Re-discovering your own autonomy may require dramatic growth if you decide to work on it at the same time you are grieving the death of your mate. You may find a grief therapist or marital counselor helpful if you feel you are getting stuck. Or you might choose to work in a more slow, quite way, testing your independence daily until you see that you have re-oriented and adjusted.

While such growth and adjustment toward autonomy is tedious and painful, most surviving spouses who have experienced it believe that it is worth the effort. They learn that they can endure independently. Spouses also feel a sense of satisfaction that they can eventually form another relationship because of desire, not need.

How does this kind of growth manifest itself? It can mean moving indecisiveness to feeling good about independent decision-making. It can mean shifting from helplessness to helpfulness. It can mean replacing intense yearning with sorrow for what you no longer have coupled with a celebration of what you had, which continues to be yours.

Your situation might be different. Perhaps you were the more independent mate or your partner who was killed was dependent on you. You don't feel helpless and indecisive, but you wonder why you feel so anxious and lonely. Some people "need to be needed." Parents nearly always feel some degree of this when their children are small, but they outgrow it as their children need them less and less. Perhaps you chose to live with a partner who needed you. If so, you now may feel unimportant.

In order to feel better, you may look for other relationships with dependent people. If you send out conscious or unconscious signals that you like dependent people, you surely will find them.

Perhaps you will want to re-evaluate the pros and cons of an independent-dependent relationship. You may want to consider what it was like for mate to have been so dependent on you. You may decide that you want future relationships to be different.

Satisfying/Difficult Relationships

All people have some ambivalence in their relationships. In the most affectionate of relationships, couples experience instances of anger, even hostility. However, most relationships are either basically satisfying or basically conflict-ridden.

If your relationship with your mate was generally satisfying, if it was mutually rewarding, and if you have a few guilt-producing memories, you will probably cope better than others whose relationships were conflict-ridden.

Consider the loss of a satisfying relationship. Looking closely, you may find that although you deeply grieve the death of your mate, you have little about which to feel remorseful or guilty. You have many memories to cherish. You can say that your life together was something to be celebrated.

If your relationship with your mate was often conflict-ridden, you may experience some sense of relief from the conflict as the shock of death wears off, but it may be replaced with a remorse you don't understand. Even though the relationship was negative, the feelings and attachment may have been strong. A difficult relationship is still a relationship.

You may feel guilty because you weren't able to work things out. You may be obsessed with memories you wish you could forget. Even though you know it's impossible, you long for another chance to make your relationship different. Sometimes the guilt is so painful, that you unconsciously repress it and forget the hostility you previously felt. What you feel becomes, literally too much to bear.

This is not unlike what children from unhappy homes experience when they are moved out of their family into a foster home. They soon forget about the abuse and may long to return home. They are convinced that any problems in the family were their own fault and they are sure it would be different, if they could only be reunited with their families.

Wishing for another chance when you know you will not have it can leave you feeling guilty, depressed, anxious, and yearning for your deceased mate. You may decide consciously or unconsciously that remaining in a depressive mourning is the only way you can make it up to your dead mate. You may know in your head that this doesn't make sense, but the feeling can be difficult to overcome.

Your task in getting better is to recall honestly both the strengths and weaknesses of your relationship. It is appropriate to be remorseful for failures in your relationship that were your fault. It is likely, however, that you put your dead mate on a pedestal to counter the ill-wishes you had toward him or her earlier. You may then conclude that problems in the relationship were all your fault. Your task will be to evaluate the relationship rationally. Ask yourself what failures in your relationship were your mate's fault? What things about your mate did you resent? What did you appreciate? How much of the responsibility should be put on your mate? How much on you? As you answer these questions, you should be able to set aside some of your irrational guilt and therefore be more able to let go emotionally of your mate.

In summary, you are who you are, in part because of the relationship you had with your mate. You are now forever changed because of your experiences in coming to grips with the death of your mate.

You will never get "completely over" the relationship or the loss of it in your life. It is part of who you are now. Even as you eventually feel ready to begin a new life, you will not forget the past. Your task is to understand the changes that have taken place, accept them, and develop your life in the face of this new reality.

Suggestions for Coping

Consider the roles and responsibilities formerly belonging to your mate, and decide which ones you must now assume and which ones are optional. You may find someone to take over some of the optional ones. You may decide that some can be let go.

Don't be hasty in making decisions which involve substantial sums of money. Seek out a trusted friend, relative, or professional financial advisor to help make these decisions wisely.

Make an effort to maintain some social relationships, even if it means discovering new groups or making new friends.

Acknowledge physical intimacy needs and look for constructive ways to take care of them. Some people find massage, by a legitimate masseuse, to be a practical solution. Pets such as dogs or cats who enjoy being stroked can also be comforting. Even taking care of a plant can involve you in intimate contact with a living thing.

Evaluate the dependence/independence aspects of your previous marriage or relationship. If you decide you want to make changes in yourself now that you are alone, seek out the kind of help you need in identifying and accomplishing changes.

If your relationship was conflict-ridden, work hard to realistically evaluate it. Be objective about placing the responsibility and don't take it all on your shoulders. Identify resentments and appreciations for your mate. Evaluate our your own strengths and weaknesses.

Realize that coming to grips with the killing of your mate will take courage, hard work, and patience. Getting better may take more time than you realized. Understand that you are forever changed by what has happened.

Don't be so frightened of the pain of grieving that you try to escape it by becoming excessively active, entering into other relationships prematurely, or using large doses of medications, alcohol or drugs. It is best to lean into the pain and fully experience it as you are able.

Seek out support groups specifically for persons who have had a loved one killed or for persons who are widowed. You will gain hope for getting better as you see how others have survived, changed, and are coping.

Understand that you are likely to face other loses, although hopefully not as traumatic as this one. Try to be aware of your progress in grieving the death of your mate and identify tools for coping which may help you in the future.

Lord, Janice Harris. No Time for Goodbyes, Pathfinders Publishing, 458 Dorothy Ave. Ventura, CA 9411