Death of a Parent during Adulthood

It is not unusual for an adult's parent to die. Most parents die before their children do. Adult children wonder about when and how their parent will die. They feel a great deal of sadness as they see their parent becoming forgetful, feeling frail, and slowing down.

Very few adult children, however, think about their parent being suddenly killed. While they may ponder over things they want to tell their parent, most adult children put them off, or at best, write them in a Mother's Day or a Father's Day card. They feel pretty sure that at some time in the future, it will feel right to tell their parents how much they love and appreciate them for providing a lifetime of support and encouragement.

Nothing feels right about a parent being killed. Even if the parent was eighty-five or ninety years old, an adult child can expect the devastation previously described. The killing of a parent presents some unique aspects of grieving as well.

The longer your parent lived, the more memories you have to cherish. Likewise, the more regrets you have about things you did or didn't do.

Many people regress to a child role when visiting their parents, even if they are thirty, forty or fifty years of age. Most of us want to share our life's highs and lows with a parent. Even as adults, it is important for our parents to be proud of us.

A significant part of growing up is "cutting the apron strings," becoming independent, and directing one's own life. But even those who are most successful at doing it know that a part of them is always a child of the parent.

Thus, when a parent dies, especially if the killing was sudden and violent, an adult child can feel suddenly totally void of nurture and guidance. Your spouse holds a unique relationship with you that can be a special source of love and caring. Your child, likewise, loves you in a special way. You may become aware after your parent has been killed, that you were more nurtured than you realized. Having your parent killed may leave you feeling insecure.

Another difficult component of grief following a killing has to do with dignity. You wanted your parent to die with dignity. You wanted to be able to say that your parent lived a good full life and died easily in the presence of loved family members. That seems important based on all that your parent gave to you and others in life.

While the "time" is rarely "right" for anyone's death, it certainly does not seem right for your parent to die as a victim of someone's unnecessary violence or negligence. Even if your parent was in some way negligent or responsible for what happened, it does not seem right that a long life could suddenly be snuffed out in an instant. Being killed is not a dignified way to die.

A third component of grief following the killing of a parent is the sudden generational role change. Before your parent died, you were the "middle generation." You had a parent of parents. You may have had a child, or at least anticipated having children some day. Suddenly, in an instant, you are the "older" generation. You may, for the first time, see your children as heirs- as you are now forced to become an heir. It is unsettling to think of yourself as the older generation. You do not feel wise enough or experienced enough to fulfill that role. Thus, even as an adult, you grieve the loss of innocence and dependence. No longer having a parent to lean on, you may feel forced to maturity before you are ready.

As is true for all kinds of death, how you respond depends on many things- how you have coped with other losses, how much emotional support you have in your grieving, and how you are getting along with those handling insurance, wills, civil and criminal procedures, and other matters. If your parent did not have a spouse and did not leave a will, you may find yourself in stressful situations with brothers and sisters about what to do with your parent's belongings.

Most of all, how you grieve depends on the relationship you had with your parent. The better the relationship, the fewer the regrets and the lesser the guilt. If you are dependent on your parent, however, you may feel more devastated and lost than others. You may experience deep longing for your parent which seems impossible to resolve. In a sense, you may feel to weak to go on without your parent.

You may experience more difficulty if you had a troubled relationship with your parent. Many children, whether they are young or adult, feel that trouble with a parent is all their fault. Even abused children sometimes spend a lifetime trying to measure up to the expectations of the parents. They believe that one day they will figure out what to do or say that will please the parent and cause the parent to feel proud of them.

If you and your parent did not get along, you may feel guilty for not trying harder to work it out. You may feel a tremendous amount of rage toward the person responsible for the killing of your parent, because you desire to make things better was made hopeless so abruptly.

If you review the past and realize that you spent a lot of your time feeling bad about yourself, those hurtful feelings may resurface following the death of your parent. If you feel intensely guilty or empty because you somehow link the death of your parent with your bad feelings, you may need professional counseling. It could help you determine the rationality of your thinking process.

Most of the adults whose parents are killed feel some or all of the above. It is important to face all your feelings and to give yourself time in solitude to both mourn your loss and remember the positive. To do only one and not the other may be to abort part of your grieving.

Society can make it difficult for you to grieve the loss of your parent. More than any other age group, you will be expected to "get on with your life" very soon.because it is considered "natural" for adults to lose their parents.

You may be surprised to find that even your best friends will be reluctant to ask how you are or to acknowledge the difficulty of your grieving. If you were a child whose parents were killed, you would be called an orphan and persona known and unknown to you would be concerned. If your spouse were killed, you would be called widow or widower, and friends and neighbors would be available to you, at least if you asked for help. But there is no name for the adult whose parent has been killed. Society wants to forget quickly- even though your parent died a sudden, undignified, and unnecessary death.

Death of a Parent During Childhood

Much has been discussed about children's grief reactions in the chapters on brothers and sisters. The reactions of children to the death of a parent and the death of a sibling overlap.

As with siblings, the impact of the parent's death on a child depends much on the child's developmental stage. Children are vulnerable to psychological problems after the death of a parent or a sibling. No one knows for sure why some children cope better than others. The quality of care-taking by the surviving parent or subsequent nurturer may be most important in how a child endures the loss of a parent.

For most children who understand that death is permanent, their initial response to the death of a parent is fear for their own survival. They can't imagine anyone but their parents putting them to bed, getting them up, feeding and clothing them. The insecurity of an adult whose parent was killed has been discussed. For a young child, that the same sense of vulnerability is much greater.

Additionally, surviving children may fear their own death. If a child's parent can disappear suddenly and without cause, so can the child.

Children tend to see their parents as all-wise and all-knowing, especially prior to adolescence. A child whose parent was killed is forced suddenly to face the reality that the parent was not wise enough or strong enough to prevent being killed. If the parent could be killed, certainly the child could also.

Guilt is the third component commonly present in grieving children. Children know they have angered parent. They have resented the parent for disciplining them. They can wonder if the killing of the parent was their fault. If their behavior angered the parent, maybe their behavior killed the parent. If a child believes this, he may feel terribly guilty and wonder if he, too might die because of it.

Many people believe that trust is the foundation of childhood emotional development. If a child is fed when hungry, diapered when wet, nurtured when lonely, he decides, long before he can verbalize it, that life is good, the world is safe, and getting his needs met is predictable. The rest of his emotional development depends on that foundation.

The sudden death of a parent can shatter that trust, although it doesn't have to. One of the most complex components of a parent's being killed, is the fact that most or all of the adults in the family are devastated themselves. The remaining spouse, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and family friends may all be in shock and so absorbed in their own grieving that they can't reach out with assurance to the children.

If a child is shuffled from one temporary caretaker to another, he may feel emotionally "out on a limb." He may feel somewhat neglected physically and abandoned emotionally. HE may no longer believe that his needs will be met. Even though he may not fully understand death, it is clear that those who surround him are weak and insecure about what they should do.

Therefore, it is important that a safe, predictable system of caring for the child be established quickly. This is not a simple task. No one can perform parenting exactly like another. But if the child knows he can trust someone to feed, clothe, bathe, and love him, he can participate in the grieving of the family. Otherwise, fears for his physical survival, withdrawal, and anger will be primary.

It is equally important for a trusted adult to explain to the child why the parent died. If the cause of death is known, it should be discussed honestly and simply with the child within his developmental level. The caretaker should tell the truth and answer the child's questions. If it appears that the child feels guilty or is especially fearful and anxious, the fears should be elicited by questions. The child must realize that his parent's death wasn't his fault and that it will not happen to him as a result.

Misunderstandings about these issues can cause a child to be afraid and angry because his life is out of control. However, if he believes that he will be cared for, that the death was not his fault, and that he is not likely to die soon, he will probably not only endure, but develop in a healthy manner.

It must be remembered though, that as a child matures, he may have to grieve his parent's death again and again based on new developmental understandings. Life changes which are normally stressful for children may be even more difficult for the child whose parent has been killed. Adolescence, re-marriage for the surviving parent, leaving home, and facing death of other loved ones can be tumultuous.

Suggestions For Adult Children Whose Parent Was Killed

Be prepared for the fact that few if any will understand the trauma you experience when your parent is killed.

Look for ways to honor your parent with dignity his or her death lacked. Establish a memorial fund or a trust fund to honor your parent. Write a memorial or poem about your parent's life and share it.

If you had a troubled relationship with your parent, write letters to him or her to express your feelings. Write a letter to yourself from your parent, explaining how you think he or she saw the problem. These letters form a "grief work journal" that can help you adjust and heal. This could help you decide how much guilt is appropriate. If you still find it impossible to be rational about your relationship with your parent, consider counseling.

Suggestions For Surviving Spouses or Other Caretakers of Children Whose Parent Has Been Killed

Maintain a routine for the child which is stable and consistent as possible.

Try to ensure that the mode of discipline to which the child is accustomed to remains the same.

If the surviving parent is so preoccupied with his or her own grieving that the child and his needs become irritant, ask someone to come into the home for several weeks or months to share the parenting load. This is preferable to sending the child away which can make him feel even more abandoned and fearful.

Avoid becoming dependent on the child for your own nurture. While your grieving can be shared and can bring you closer to each other, the child will sense you neediness if you become too dependent on him. It is too big a load for him to carry. Be alert to persistent fears, anxieties, guilt, or anger. Acting out behaviors such as chronic temper tantrums, clinging, or daydreaming rather than participating in school or home activities, may be cries for help. Seek counseling for you child if necessary.

Lord, Janice Harris. No Time for Goodbyes, Pathfinders Publishing, 458 Dorothy Ave. Ventura, CA 9411